


i dont know how to be something you miss

by brookethenerd



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2016-11-10
Packaged: 2018-08-30 03:18:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8516419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brookethenerd/pseuds/brookethenerd
Summary: AU in which lukas continues to push philip away, and this time, philip actually listens





	

The _wrongness_ of what they’ve done hits Philip that night when he gets home. He drops his things on the bed, and strips out of his clothes, shoving them into the corner of his closet. They feel dirty, contaminated.  
He showers quickly, trying to scrub the day off his skin. He lets the water run over his face, and wishes he could scrub his eyes of what he’s seen. The image of the two of them burns behind his eyelids.  
_Lukas is meeting his gaze. The sadness in his eyes makes Philip feel sick._  
He wraps a towel around his waist and stands in front of the mirror for a long time, inspecting the lines of his face, the curve of his eyebrows.  
It all feels so _wrong_.  
When he gets back to his room, he gets dressed quickly, about to send Lukas a text when he sees he already has one.  
_Lukas: meet me in the barn_  
Philip slips down the stairs and out of the house, grabs his bike, and takes off. He doesn’t even hesitate.

And when he reaches Lukas’ barn, Lukas is already inside.  
“My dad doesn’t believe me.” Lukas says.  
“What are you talking about?” Philip asks.  
“Rose.”  
“You didn’t show him the video, did you?”  
“No, of course not! You haven’t even sent it out yet.”  
Philip’s stomach rolls.  
“I don’t think I’m going to send it out.” He says slowly. Lukas’ brows pull together.  
“What do you mean you’re not going to send it out?”  
“It’s wrong, Lukas. I don’t-“  
“We have to, Philip.”  
“I just don’t think its worth it.”  
“Of course it’s worth it.”  
“Lukas-“  
“You don’t get it, Philip! You don’t get it! I cant be the person you want me to be! I can’t!”  
“I’m not asking you to-“  
“If I don’t post that video, everything falls apart.” Lukas says.  
Philip lets out a long breath, and pulls his camera from his bag. He hands it to Lukas, who takes it, confused.  
“When I said I didn’t want to be your bitch, I was serious.” Philip says.  
“What?” Lukas asks.  
“Do what you want with the video. I don’t care. I’m done.” Philip says, lips pressed together.  
“Philip-“  
“You wanna post it, go ahead. But I’m not doing this anymore.”  
Lukas’ mouth drops when Philip starts to back up.  
“You don’t have to do this, Philip.” Lukas says. Philip walks away, and only turns around when he gets to the barn door, glancing over his shoulder, brows furrowing, lips curled up in a sad smile.  
“Yeah, I do.” He says.  
Then he slips out into the night, and leaves Lukas behind.  
He does his best to ignore the ache in his chest.  
-  
For two weeks, Philip ignores Lukas. When he sees him in the halls, he keeps his eyes forward, and doesn’t even acknowledge him.  
And Lukas doesn’t dare break out of his group to talk to Philip. Not with him having just barely killing the rumors.  
He leaked the video, which Philip expected. It’s just that a part of him hoped he wouldn’t.  
It’s the hope that killed him.  
He’s digging through his locker right after the last bell when Lukas comes up to him. Philip closes his locker, stuffing his book in his bag, before looking at Lukas. He pretends his whole body doesn’t ignite with Lukas this close. He reminds himself that he’s angry. That he’s doing the right thing.  
“What do you want, Lukas?” He asks, just a little too loud.  
Lukas glances around at the people walking through the halls, and Philip wants to laugh.  
“I miss you.” Lukas says, brows furrowed slightly.  
“You made your choice.” Philip says, voice hard.  
“What if I was wrong?”  
“I don’t know. What if you were?”  
“I don’t-I don’t know how to fix it.”  
Something inside of Philip tightens. He wants so badly to reassure Lukas, to let him back in. He wants to go back to the first moments in the cabin, before everything got so bad. He just wants to be a boy kissing a boy.  
But there is no going back.  
“Tell Rose I say hi. Or don’t.” Philip says.  
It’s a low blow, and he knows it. But he can’t bring himself to care.  
Philip pushes past Lukas and makes his way through the quickly emptying halls and out the front door. His stomach is clawing its way up his throat, and he thinks about what Gabe said, about love.  
_It’s like a pain in your belly._  
If this is love, Philip decides, he doesn’t want it. Love hurts, love rips, love destroys.  
“Philip!” He hears Lukas call his name as he pushes through the front door, but he ignores it; Lukas will let him walk away. He wouldn’t risk anyone knowing anything.  
Lukas has proved that.  
“Philip, stop!”  
He keeps moving, eyes pinned on the words Red Hook High School written on the bus, and the bus driver’s name scrawled in sharpie across paper, taped to the window.  
He almost makes it. He almost makes it past the buses to where Gabe is waiting in his car.  
But Lukas says his name one more time, and something about it makes him turn around. It’s like his feet don’t belong to him.  
Lukas stalks toward him, a stricken look on his face.  
“What the hell do you want from me, Lukas?” Philip asks, careful with his word choice.  
He hates that no matter how angry he is at Lukas, he still tries to protect him. What he wants to say is, I love you, you fucking idiot, why can’t you just do it back.  
But after what they’ve just done, there’s no way he could. They’ve secured Lukas’ sexuality, at least for the kids at school. He can’t bring himself to ruin that.  
When he gets close, Lukas doesn’t stop like Philip expects him to.  
He does the opposite of what Philip expects, actually.  
He closes the distance between them, takes Philip’s face between his hands, and kisses him. At some point Philip’s backpack slips from his fingers and smacks into the ground.  
_I’m not supposed to like you this way._  
And kisses him, and kisses him, and kisses him.  
_You’ve got to decide._  
It is chaotic and messy and teeth scraping and noses bumping and it is nothing like the kiss in the garage, or the one on the street, or any of their other kisses.  
_Maybe if my mom were still alive, I’d tell her about you, too._  
It is angry and frantic. It makes Philip’s stomach tumble. He’s pinned to the cement sidewalk. He balls Lukas’ shirt in his hands and tugs him closer, closer, he can’t get close enough.  
Only when they’re both gasping for breath do they break apart.  
Philip watches Lukas with wide eyes, lips parted. Lukas’ hands slide down to the sides of Philip’s neck, and he smiles lightly.  
He’s scared; terrified, actually. Philip can see it. His hands are shaking where they rest on Philip’s skin.  
“What did you just do?” Philip asks. Lukas presses his lips together, closing his eyes for a long second.  
When he opens them, he gives a small smile.  
“What I should have done a long time ago.” He says.  
Philip laughs nervously.  
“Do I even need to tell you how cliche that sounded?” He asks. Lukas’ smiles deepens, and truly reaches his eyes this time. He shakes his head, pulling back slightly.  
“No.” He says.  
Philip glances around; every eye is on them. Kids have stopped getting on the buses, standing in line, heads turned towards them. No one is talking. They’re just watching. Watching.  
Lukas doesn’t look around, and Philip is glad.  
There will be a fallout to deal with. Philip knows that. He knows that Lukas knows that, too.  
But for now, he just reaches down and grabs his bag, slipping it over his head.  
“Ill give you a ride home.” He says. Lukas’ eyes flash with relief, and he nods.  
They practically sprint to Gabe’s car. They climb into the backseat, letting out breaths of relief when they shut the doors, and Gabe turns around to look at them, an amused look on his face.  
“Interesting day?” He asks.  
“You could say that.” Philip says.  
“You joining us for dinner, Lukas?” Gabe asks, as if he didn’t just watch his foster son and his closeted boyfriend make out in front of half the school. Lukas looks down, nose crinkling.  
“If that’s okay.” He says quietly. Gabe grins.  
“Not a problem at all.”  
He pulls out of the lot, and everyone watches them go.  
Only when they’re out of sight of the school do both boys truly relax.  
For a moment, they just look at each other, tiny smiles tugging on their lips.  
And that, Philip thinks, looking at each other and smiling, is freedom, and it’s good.  
From the look on Lukas’ face, he knows that Lukas is thinking it, too.


End file.
